It Lasted Only 10 minutes. Like whatttt?

 So I have job interview today. 

So I force myself to wakeup pretty early than usually, I take like 1.5 hours to prepare myself for the job interview, however, the interview lasted only 11 minutes. Did I failed the interview? Am I not interesting enough? Now I start to overthinking things. but that will be no use. 

So, I'm going to let God help me on this. I believe I have done my very best. The rest we wait. 

But let's be honest? Have I failed the interview?

Sad eyes. Sad eyes. 

Do I have OCD or I'm just being annoying?

I have been living by myself since 2020, like occasionally sometimes, and permenantly in early 2021, then I get married. 

So basically I've been taking care of my parent house by myself since. So I basically have certain way of organizing my kitchen, clothes and few other things. So when my parent come visit, or stay basically it's her house. So she kept messing with the system that I've created since for myself. 

When things doesn't goes my way, I get a little crazy in my head, and when I kept feel the way I felt I decided to just let the things be until my parent back to her hometown again. So my home will be in a mess according to my head. According to my husband head and my mom head it look totally fine or clean. But for me it's complete mess and it ruin my relationship sometimes. I've been kept my mouth shut, trying, but I'm human. I'm sorry mom I can be a little bit annoying.

So,the question is do I have OCD or it just in my head.

After my mom left, it will take me weeks to get me back into my system again. Or do I have ADHD. I felt like there were long list to do, and felt like I have to do everything all at once. 

I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed maladaptive daydreaming. Being an only child day dream is my favorite things to do. It is the world where I was the centre of attention and I get whatever I want. Though it's not effecting my daily live but it does ruins my head sometime. Acknowledging your  mental health problem is the first step of recovering. There were days, that I've talked with me for hours, is not always me, sometime I talked to my creation. But nowadays I can differentiate it very well. Baby steps. The bad things about this is that I wish whatever I dreamt off is the one that I've been living in and I get disappointed with myself most of the time, cause I was expecting me to be what I've should be. It a disease, I know. I hope I get better with this someday.

See my point, probably I've ADHD too. Ha ha. Oh well.. I guess I have mentally health problem. 

Do I make you feel lonely?

Since birth, I never felt lacking with love

Everybody love me without asking for anything back

I live in very lovely, ordinary family.

My parents had to work, in order to provide me with necessities.

Being an only child, I tend to be more independent than my peers.

But the downside was,  I'm always alone, taking care of me.

Do I sound ungrateful? But I'm not. 

I understand my parents had to worked for us to stay afloat. 

I totally get it... But unfortunately it does give my some times alone..most of the time.

And at time I feel so lonely..

Now as a functional adult, I hate being independent but I have to.

Now that I'm married, I want to be dependent.

Does it make sense?

I have nothing but received love,

My parents loved me beyond reasons, 

My husband definitely love love me,

His family adored me,

But what is wrong with me?

I still feel void and emptiness.

And it occured to me,

Do I love me?

Do I love me?

Do I love me?

Perfect silent...

And it clicks ah... It was me.

The problem is me.. or I'm the solutions?

So now I decided that I will be in a journey to find me.

Pray for me.