Not Enough Word to Describe Whatever These Feelings is.

 It’s not that I don’t want to visit—

It’s just that standing there makes it real,
Too real, that he is truly gone.
Nine years have passed,
And still, the hardest thing
Is to let my heart acknowledge his absence.

I’ve accepted the qada’ and qadar,
I have bowed to its wisdom.
But in my mind,
It’s easier to think he’s traveling—
Off to some distant land,
A place without a name,
Somewhere far, unreachable.

In my dreams, he was always returning,
Always coming back from the unknown.
And I would run to him,
Tears blurring my vision,
Hugging him as if to stop time—
As if I knew we’d part again too soon.

But now, those dreams have left me.
Is he angry?
Does my silence disappoint him?
Have my duas fallen quiet?
Or has my heart grown still enough
To carry his memory without their nightly whispers?

I still miss him, you know.
So much it feels like a hollow ache,
A wound that heals but never quite fades.
Yet some days, his face eludes me—
His voice feels like an echo in an empty room.
It’s unfair,
That I remember his last fragile days
More than the strength he carried in life.

When my uncle asks if I’ve visited,
The answer is no.
But not because I’ve forgotten—
I could never forget.
I hold him in my prayers,
In my quiet moments,
In the spaces between my breaths.

One day, I’ll go.
I’ll stand there with all my love and all my grief.
And I’ll remember,
Even if dreams fade, even if voices quiet—
He is not gone.
He lives within me.
Always.

Ayah.

 My uncle always ask me: Have you visit your father's grave recently. 

It Is not that I don't want to visit, it just sometime it become so real to me, that he is really gone. 

Even after 9 years him passed. I feel like it was most difficult thing to do. acknowledging that he's gone. 

I've accepted the qada' and qadar, just its easy for me to just think he was travelling somewhere far or something, instead of unalive. 

In my mind or in my most dream, my father is like travel to far away country, it's like he was in missionary's or something. Every time he appeared in my dream, he was always comeback from somewhere. Somewhere far to the land that nobody knows the name. In that dream, I was always hugging him and crying for we never see each other anymore. 

These days I never have this dream anymore, is he mad at me? Do I not make dua for him enough? is that why I never see him in my dream again? or I'm already so contented with my life, I miss him less and less? To be honest, I still miss him profoundly. 

Am I bad daughter, cause these days, I kind a forget his face or even his sounds. It's unfair cause I only remember his last days (and sometime it pissed me off)

To answer my uncle questions: I haven't. But I will keep him in my DOAs always. 

2025

 Sixth of January. Homesick. 

I just saw my husband yesterday, but I still miss him so much. 

I gave my company until June 2025 to relocate me back home. 

Pray for me. 

I feel like I'm in blues. I don't feel like doing anything work related. 

Now, have 1 hour and 20 minutes left to leave work for the days.