358 Days of LDR: 4 days until You

My current fav song "Wi$h Li$t" 

"I just want you, huh, Have a couple kids, got the whole block looking like you, We tell the world to leave us thе fuck alone, and they do, wow. Got me drеaming 'bout a driveway with a basketball hoop, Boss up, settle down, got a wish (Wish) list (List). I just want you"

It's been a month since last time I saw my husband in person, So I just can't wait for the days to happen again. I miss him everyday, though when we met we kind a annoyed with one another, and weirdly he still my favorite person. 

Itu je ah. 

Bye. 

353 Day of LDR: Twelve Days Left

 Twelve days left.

Twelve sunsets before I get to go home, and somehow it lands on the same day I first walked into this workplace a year ago. October 21st. One year of learning, surviving, pretending to be okay, and quietly growing in ways I didn’t even notice.

Funny how Allah arranges things. To return home exactly on the day I began, it feels like a sign, a soft reminder that I’ve come full circle.

This place has taught me strength in quiet ways. It taught me patience, silence, and how to stand when no one is there to hold you. Some days felt too long, too lonely. Some days I wanted to give up. But I didn’t. I stayed, and I made it through.

And now the thought of home feels heavier, like peace waiting for me at the door. The laughter, the comfort, the smell of familiar air. I miss it all.

Twelve more days. Just twelve.

And I’ll finally be home again, not just to a place, but to myself.

345 Days of LDR: 30 Days until US again

Today, I want to write about the end of this long-distance chapter. Just 30 more days until I’ll finally be in his arms again. The thought alone fills my heart with so much gratitude and happiness. After a year of waiting, counting days, and holding on to late-night calls, the finish line is finally in sight.

I picture the reunion so clearly in my mind: he’ll pick me up here in JB, and then we’ll leave JB together with no looking back. From there, we can start building our home again — renovate the little things, restock the refrigerator, and enjoy home-cooked meals every day. That simple dream of living together again feels like the sweetest gift after all this distance.

Of course, worries come along too. The new workplace means a two-hour commute each day. That alone sounds tiring, and the idea of crowded places and constant interactions stirs up my anxiety. Honestly, I’m not preparing much for it — just praying for the best, and hoping I’ll find the rhythm when the time comes.

And while I look forward to these personal joys, my heart is also heavy for others. Today I cried and prayed for the Sumud Flotilla, hoping they arrive safely in Gaza and return home unharmed. Sometimes I feel guilty living in peace and comfort while, in another part of the world, people of the same faith are struggling just to meet their basic needs. It humbles me and reminds me to be grateful, to pray harder, and to never take this life for granted.

Still, life has always been a mix of joy and challenge. This move isn’t just about work; it’s about love, growth, and finally being close to the person who matters most. The thought of walking through all the difficult parts and then coming home to him — maybe that’s all the strength I need.

For now, I’ll hold onto the countdown. Thirty days away. Thirty days until distance becomes closeness again.

Ya Allah… please make these days easy for me. Grant me patience, calm my restless heart, and bless our reunion with love and peace. Protect my husband, our home, and this new journey we are about to start together. And please, Ya Allah, protect our brothers and sisters in Gaza. Let the Sumud Flotilla reach safely, return safely, and may You grant freedom, dignity, and comfort to those who are suffering. Ameen.

207 Days of LDR: Toxic.

I’ve come to realize that at some point, I can be a toxic person too.

There, I said it.

I guess I’ve also contributed to the toxic energy in the environments I’ve been in. Sometimes, we get so caught up in our own sense of entitlement over the smallest things that we forget, we're not the only ones who matter in this world.

There are times I dislike someone I’ve never even spoken to.

There are even moments I feel hatred towards someone just for existing. That’s toxic, isn’t it?

Sometimes, I develop a dislike for people based on what I hear from others.

Other times, I stay silent—and that silence can make others uncomfortable with how I come across.

I try to be as genuine as I can, just doing my best to adapt in unfamiliar surroundings.

But the truth is, all of us can be a little toxic to one another, whether we realize it or not. And honestly, that’s okay. If it ever feels overwhelming, it’s okay to step back and remove yourself from the situation.

As long as we keep that toxicity in check, it’s fine. So let's just live, and enjoy what we can, while we can.

So I will not see my husband until the end of this month. Sad. 

183 days of LDR: 24 Syawal, day 2 of Puasa 6

 Starting late this year, with all hari raya mode and best friends visiting so I been holding on far way too long. So this week I'm going rouge. whole week of Puasa. Semoga diberkahiNya. Aamiin. 

Nothing much but I was planning to meet all my friend from previous work on 1st May 2025 to have like sweet and short portluck reunion. Although syawal probably end that time, but lets keep the spirit until raya haji. ha ha. Pretty much that, still discussing with my husband to buy him his birthday gift. So much things has planned and going to do. Excited. 

That's it okay bye nak balik.

175 Days of LDR: When Life Gives You Tangerines

 I finally work up the courage to watch "When Life Give You Tangerine"

I was expected it to be sad. but not heartbreaking sad. 

There were a few scenes that made me cry like crazy—most of them centered around a father-daughter relationship. I just couldn’t hold it in. It hit too close to home.

Watching the drama made me realize there were a few words I never had the chance to say to my Ayah. I truly hope he knew and understood them, even though I never said them out loud. My biggest regret is that I cried so much on the day he left—without knowing it would be his last. I wish I had said I’m sorry for everything I did that may have left a scar on his heart. I hope he knew that I never meant to hurt him. That was never my intention. I was young and foolish, assuming he would always be around. I thought he’d be by my side, at least until I had children. I forgot that he, too, only had one life.

I also realize now how unthoughtful I’ve been at times towards my Emak. I love her deeply, but sometimes we get on each other’s nerves. Still, that doesn't change how much she means to me.I’m going to try to be kinder to her, because the truth is—we never know how much time we have left on this earth. One of us will leave this world first, and I don’t want to carry any more regrets.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. I guess I miss my Ayah a little more deeply than I usually admit. They say time heals everything, but I’ve come to realize that sometimes, the missing never truly fades. Every now and then, the ache comes back—stronger than it should, heavier than I expect.

My honest review: "When Life Gives You Tangerines" may hits differently for everyone. Some may see it through the lens of a mother-daughter bond, others through the father-daughter or father-son relationship. It also touches on the dynamics between husband and wife, family by blood, and family by heart. It explores grief, the weight of being the firstborn, and the quiet traumas we carry.

What struck me the most is how the relationship we’ve hurt—or been hurt by—the most, often becomes the heaviest burden in our lives. This drama captures so many aspects of life that we sometimes forget to appreciate… and I’m guilty of that too.

So let’s take a moment to truly appreciate the people around us and the life we’re living. Let’s also be a little kinder to ourselves. We need that, more than we realize.

142 days of LDR

 Every week in Ramadhan I decide to travel on weekend, even when I'm tired. I rather being tired then lonely this Ramadhan. I also requested to work near home towards the end of Ramadhan. So I can be home for 2 weeks. Bijak. Still need to commute to Cyberjaya though. But better la than Johor Right?. Just need to submit confirmation email to the boss regarding work from Cyberjaya office or I just go ha ha 

Anyway so far week 2 of Ramadhan. 2 kg je loss. like I only eat once daily. probably less physical movement. Its not like its important to me to loose weight. but I do hope I did. 

On the other topic, I actually envy with people that update their vlog, whom travel every week for vacation or even for work. Now I'm travelling person. I guess Allah work in mysterious way. Something that I want but not ready for. Almost 5 months but still un-adjusting. 

So far everything is so good. 

129 days of LDR

 Almost Ramadhan. 

Thinking about it make me sad, to be away from home. 

But I need to learn to be grateful. someone else loose love one this year, being in unstable job. 

I'm beyond grateful. I have stable job, stable life. and we can't get everything in this life. So might as well just enjoy the moment, while we still live in the moment. 

I just miss my husband, my mom. and entertaining people during berbuka. 

my fav time of the month. 

115 day of LDR

 So class have started, and it has been 2 weeks. and I feel in love with it again. 

I no longer hate teaching.

they say those who can't do, teach. 

In my context, I just don't want to do it, accounts, audit or taxation, so at least I teach others so they can be better at work then me. I found all of those, a little bit unenthusiastic. I guess.

For the last 2 years, I being questioning my choice of becoming lecturer. Now I've found the spark again. 

I realize it wasn't me, it was, having the wrong place, or even the wrong audience. 

Amazingly here I have few numbers of students, but I'm happier. I have much more conversation with my students than before. 

Maybe they are more mature as they were bachelor degree students. I guess. 

The discussion is more deepen and meaningful. 

I'm far from people person, but these students make me feel like I'm worthy as an educator again. 

I guess I just need to be more grateful. 

The only problem is the distance. 

Not Enough Word to Describe Whatever These Feelings is.

 It’s not that I don’t want to visit—

It’s just that standing there makes it real,
Too real, that he is truly gone.
Nine years have passed,
And still, the hardest thing
Is to let my heart acknowledge his absence.

I’ve accepted the qada’ and qadar,
I have bowed to its wisdom.
But in my mind,
It’s easier to think he’s traveling—
Off to some distant land,
A place without a name,
Somewhere far, unreachable.

In my dreams, he was always returning,
Always coming back from the unknown.
And I would run to him,
Tears blurring my vision,
Hugging him as if to stop time—
As if I knew we’d part again too soon.

But now, those dreams have left me.
Is he angry?
Does my silence disappoint him?
Have my duas fallen quiet?
Or has my heart grown still enough
To carry his memory without their nightly whispers?

I still miss him, you know.
So much it feels like a hollow ache,
A wound that heals but never quite fades.
Yet some days, his face eludes me—
His voice feels like an echo in an empty room.
It’s unfair,
That I remember his last fragile days
More than the strength he carried in life.

When my uncle asks if I’ve visited,
The answer is no.
But not because I’ve forgotten—
I could never forget.
I hold him in my prayers,
In my quiet moments,
In the spaces between my breaths.

One day, I’ll go.
I’ll stand there with all my love and all my grief.
And I’ll remember,
Even if dreams fade, even if voices quiet—
He is not gone.
He lives within me.
Always.

Ayah.

 My uncle always ask me: Have you visit your father's grave recently. 

It Is not that I don't want to visit, it just sometime it become so real to me, that he is really gone. 

Even after 9 years him passed. I feel like it was most difficult thing to do. acknowledging that he's gone. 

I've accepted the qada' and qadar, just its easy for me to just think he was travelling somewhere far or something, instead of unalive. 

In my mind or in my most dream, my father is like travel to far away country, it's like he was in missionary's or something. Every time he appeared in my dream, he was always comeback from somewhere. Somewhere far to the land that nobody knows the name. In that dream, I was always hugging him and crying for we never see each other anymore. 

These days I never have this dream anymore, is he mad at me? Do I not make dua for him enough? is that why I never see him in my dream again? or I'm already so contented with my life, I miss him less and less? To be honest, I still miss him profoundly. 

Am I bad daughter, cause these days, I kind a forget his face or even his sounds. It's unfair cause I only remember his last days (and sometime it pissed me off)

To answer my uncle questions: I haven't. But I will keep him in my DOAs always.