This Year I'm Fucking Saving Me.

 I have this habit of welcoming New Year a month late. It's not that I was busy or anything. It just too pretentious to welcoming something that have been the same since last year. The Pandemic is still going on but everyone seem fine about it, I guess it just some sort of defense mechanism for everyone. Pretending its not here while its begging to be notice. A year went by just like that and my life is still in a shitty pit hole that I had created for myself. 

I didn't see my mom at all this year. Last time I saw her is early January like 2 days. It's too many feelings going on and I don't want to deal with it. I'm too fragile for this shits anyway. I'm fucking 31 years and still wonder is this what I want for me? I have been battling with myself for a little over 5 years now. I wanted to stop comparing my life with people my age, well I can't help it to compare it. 

Everyday I questions every fucking decision I made. Everyday is battling field with my inner self. I have too many things going on in my head, nothing that I can do for it. I felt like I'm a toxic for me. No matter what I do I always that virus for me. That have no cure. I keep done things that I don't want. I have to stop. I want to stop. I'm begging me to stop. 

These days there is no single day that I cry for death for me. I'm scared and ashamed. 

Wow things got dark very fast. I wish this year I am be able to save myself for the shitty pit hole I created. I don't know how and when I will be able to save my self. This year should be the year for me. I hope.