On The Verge of Killing Myself

 These days I have been encounter with the most confusing moment in my life. 

I was never a pretty girl. I'm fat and ugly since I was a kid. At least that's what I thought. I have told you about Farid and early last year that we have finally end our relationship but to my surprise, we are still in contact and pretty close than ever now. I think because I have known the man for 5 years, he practically my best friend now. But at the end of last year, I come to know this guy from London let just call him KY. 

When I first encounter KY, he found on my IG. We start talking using DM's and WhatsApp. Firstly I thought he's gonna leave me sooner or later. He did stop once. I don't know, change of heart maybe, he start talking to me again and I come to like him a little. and 2 months later he confessed his feelings towards me. I have been breaking his heart for two days now. But I seem cannot let him go. I wanted to but, I guess I like the attention. I should left when I had the chance. I don't even know if he is genuinely love me or not. But he do profess his feelings using his WhatsApp status. KY have baggage that I'm not sure I'm capable or responsible enough to carry it with him. He has two kids. 

At the moment my head is about to burst and I burst some tears. My friend advice me to do istikharah. and I will do it when my period time is over. 

I'm so confuse and my mind is in distraught. I need to ghost them for few days before I made up my mind. I need to know what really make me happy. I have been asking and asking Allah to help me take out the one that not for me away from my heart. The one that for me live in my heart. I need help. Or else I think I might kill myself someday somehow. If covid or cancer doesn't kill, I probably will. 

I already confess to both man. They both think I should think wisely about my choice. I think now I need to be away from both of them until I get my answer from Allah. Until then... I need to shower and continue my work life.