Thursday, February 25, 2021

February Update

 Not like anyone curious or anything, I just love to write it down so later the day I come reading my blog again. 

Like 3 weeks ago, I started my dieting routine and it only lasted me around two weeks. My detox water is run out of stock, I need to make order from my students. Probably after I have my paycheck tomorrow. 

Food control wise like I always failed. But this is like work in progress I'm trying hard to control my eating habit. LOL. 

Work wise, like always there will be days that I wish I quit this and went somewhere with better management view. Sort of. But since the pandemic have been paralyze the economic it is not easy for any of us to jump jobs. 

So I'm trying to just follow whatever they say. But some of us seem to had enough. I hope I can make it through it. 

Relationship wise, me and Farid wish to take further steps. I also started to tell my mom about it. I have shown her picture. Not sure how she is responding. Kind a don't understand her reactions actually. For the time being both of us do what we can to make sure this working. We are right now trying to apply for Rumah Selangorku and hoping one of us get the house to live in. 

I guess that's all. 

Tomorrow mark the 5 years of my father passed away. I wish to have a brave heart. Amin. 


Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Great Day Ahead

 What a great day. After I stop thinking about unknown future I feel a little bit more easy. I have start my routine diet. I drink detox juice around 11 am. Then I have my meal at 5pm - 6 pm daily. Once a day. Its only been started for 2 days. I'm fine with weekdays but weekend is tough shits. Plus I have long weekend this week. weee. I hope I survive. I hope you have a good day as I am. 

Monday, February 08, 2021

I Decide Not to Decide

 I am still not sure what I want for me. Do I want to get married? Do I want to buy a house? Do I want to change job? Right now I decide not to decide anything. I want to ignore all those burdening questions, so I can sleep better at night. I want practice selfishness. I want to focus on me more. If they love me, they will understand and stay. If they not, they are welcome to leave. I don't want to make rush decision and regret most of it. I don't want to wonder what if. What if not. So I'm not deciding anything right now. I'm just going to enjoy my life as it is. 

I found that I can take my mind off when I'm teaching. So I'll focus on my teaching. As of now, I'm at peace. 

On The Verge of Killing Myself

 These days I have been encounter with the most confusing moment in my life. 

I was never a pretty girl. I'm fat and ugly since I was a kid. At least that's what I thought. I have told you about Farid and early last year that we have finally end our relationship but to my surprise, we are still in contact and pretty close than ever now. I think because I have known the man for 5 years, he practically my best friend now. But at the end of last year, I come to know this guy from London let just call him KY. 

When I first encounter KY, he found on my IG. We start talking using DM's and WhatsApp. Firstly I thought he's gonna leave me sooner or later. He did stop once. I don't know, change of heart maybe, he start talking to me again and I come to like him a little. and 2 months later he confessed his feelings towards me. I have been breaking his heart for two days now. But I seem cannot let him go. I wanted to but, I guess I like the attention. I should left when I had the chance. I don't even know if he is genuinely love me or not. But he do profess his feelings using his WhatsApp status. KY have baggage that I'm not sure I'm capable or responsible enough to carry it with him. He has two kids. 

At the moment my head is about to burst and I burst some tears. My friend advice me to do istikharah. and I will do it when my period time is over. 

I'm so confuse and my mind is in distraught. I need to ghost them for few days before I made up my mind. I need to know what really make me happy. I have been asking and asking Allah to help me take out the one that not for me away from my heart. The one that for me live in my heart. I need help. Or else I think I might kill myself someday somehow. If covid or cancer doesn't kill, I probably will. 

I already confess to both man. They both think I should think wisely about my choice. I think now I need to be away from both of them until I get my answer from Allah. Until then... I need to shower and continue my work life. 

Wednesday, February 03, 2021

This Year I'm Fucking Saving Me.

 I have this habit of welcoming New Year a month late. It's not that I was busy or anything. It just too pretentious to welcoming something that have been the same since last year. The Pandemic is still going on but everyone seem fine about it, I guess it just some sort of defense mechanism for everyone. Pretending its not here while its begging to be notice. A year went by just like that and my life is still in a shitty pit hole that I had created for myself. 

I didn't see my mom at all this year. Last time I saw her is early January like 2 days. It's too many feelings going on and I don't want to deal with it. I'm too fragile for this shits anyway. I'm fucking 31 years and still wonder is this what I want for me? I have been battling with myself for a little over 5 years now. I wanted to stop comparing my life with people my age, well I can't help it to compare it. 

Everyday I questions every fucking decision I made. Everyday is battling field with my inner self. I have too many things going on in my head, nothing that I can do for it. I felt like I'm a toxic for me. No matter what I do I always that virus for me. That have no cure. I keep done things that I don't want. I have to stop. I want to stop. I'm begging me to stop. 

These days there is no single day that I cry for death for me. I'm scared and ashamed. 

Wow things got dark very fast. I wish this year I am be able to save myself for the shitty pit hole I created. I don't know how and when I will be able to save my self. This year should be the year for me. I hope. 

358 Days of LDR: 4 days until You

My current fav song "Wi$h Li$t"  "I just want you, huh, Have a couple kids, got the whole block looking like you, We tell the...