Life so far.

I was supposed to start at my new company, SCSJ, on 3 February 2026. Ended up reporting on the 5th instead. Not a huge difference on paper, but the adjustment has been heavier than I expected. I haven’t written much. My physical journal has been sitting there, untouched. Approaching Ramadhan while trying to settle into something new has been tiring, but I’m managing it one day at a time.

Work has been a lot of observing and absorbing. New systems, new people, new dynamics. I don’t always know where I stand yet, but I’m learning. Having a friend there helps more than I say out loud. I’ve been choosing patience lately, choosing not to react quickly, giving myself room to adjust even when I feel unsure.

Life overall is… okay. My health goes up and down. My finances are honestly low right now, and I can laugh about it, but I do feel it. Spiritually, I’m still learning, still trying, still returning to Allah in small ways. With my mom, things sometimes feel practical rather than emotional. With my husband, I’m just trying to be present whenever we get time together.

Nothing dramatic. Nothing perfectly sorted. Just where I am right now.

A Soft Farewell to AMU

Last day at AMU, 

Some goodbyes are not loud.

They don’t come with big speeches or heavy sadness.

Sometimes, a goodbye is simply a quiet moment of gratitude, a pause before life moves forward again.

Today, I’m saying farewell to AMU.

It feels a little unreal, because AMU has been more than just a workplace to me. It has been a chapter filled with learning, growth, warmth, and memories that I know I will carry for a long time.

When I first arrived, I came with uncertainty, hopes, and the usual nerves of starting something new. But along the way, AMU became a space where I learned not only about my role, but also about myself.

I learned through the everyday moments, the responsibilities, the small challenges, and the meaningful connections.

I’m especially grateful for the people here, the supportive bosses who guided me, the colleagues who made the days lighter, and the students who reminded me of the quiet joy of teaching. Being able to share knowledge, even for a short season, is something I will always treasure.

Of course, every journey comes with its ups and downs. But even the difficult moments brought lessons, clarity, and growth. And because of that, I leave with appreciation, not regret.

This farewell is not about closing something with sadness.

It’s simply the end of one chapter, and the beginning of another.

Thank you, AMU, for the memories, the kindness, and the experiences. Thank you for the warm farewell and the moments that made this chapter meaningful.

I may be leaving, but a part of this place will always stay with me.

Softly, gratefully,

Farhana

✨BIG ANNOUCEMENT ✨

 I’ve shortened my notice of resignation and will be joining my new company in February 2026. Yay 🌈

I still can’t believe I found a new job this quickly, Alhamdulillah 🤍

I was planning to take a month or two to rest before returning to teaching. But I’ve learned: I plan, Allah plans, and His plan is always better than mine 🌿

I just felt I had to take this step, and I did, leaving the rest to Allah. He guided me to the path, and He never disappoints. Allah has a way of unfolding things in ways we could never imagine ✨

Reflection:

Leaving my current job wasn’t about hating where I work. In fact, I’ve realized I don’t dislike it at all. The work itself is manageable, the challenges are fair, and the work-life balance is good for all things I truly appreciate.

But over time, I began to see that certain things, like salary growth and recognition, were unlikely to change. I realized I couldn’t rely on the hope that these aspects would improve. Some dynamics with people at work also began to drain me, subtle, daily frictions that weigh on energy more than the actual tasks ever could.

It’s not a matter of bitterness or unhappiness; it’s about clarity. I want to be somewhere that aligns with my growth, values my contributions, and allows me to bring my best self without the extra emotional toll.

So I chose to leave.

Not because I hated the job, but because I needed to choose a path that fits my aspirations and energy 🌱✨

Leaving is a gentle step toward a place where I can continue to grow, feel recognized, and be inspired.

71 days Left

 These days all I did is counting days, No regret, No turning back, just moving forwards. 

I never been any clearer than this, this place no longer fit my vibes and goals as an educator, I don't want to be exhausted educator. Which I already am. 

I do think sometimes I'm reckless and over reacting, which I know I'm not cause everybody feels the same but I'm the only who making the drastic changes. 

I did not tell my mother yet, I don't know how to explain to her, because she does not operate like I do. She stay in a same job for 40 years, while me at 35 still figure it out what I want. The longest I stay in a company is 4 years, for the last 10 years of my career as corporate slave. I don't think that I have to tolerate every broken system that company have, I can always find another company that have system that met well with mine. I think so la. 

I understand there are no perfect ideal place to fit all our needs, but at least we should have 1 good thing from it. Here, I'm still searching and its been a year... and there are still big question mark. Normally I'm easily adapted and well blended by most at least 3 months, now it 14 months. still....I don't know..... maybe its me. 

Anyhow, I wish someday I find that what I want. Bismillah. Aamiin. 

Feeling Drained and Lost at Work

Lately, work has been weighing on me in a way I didn’t expect. Every day feels heavier, and even simple things, like getting ready or sending a WA to inform MC, feel exhausting. I keep wondering why it drains me so much. Is it just me, who feeling everything too deeply, or does everyone else just handle it better?

The lack of clear direction at work makes everything worse. I’m told to report to certain people, but when I do, things don’t move. It feels like I’m stuck in the middle, trying to do my best while feeling unsupported and confused. It leaves me feeling frustrated, useless, and not sure where I stand.

Some days, even thinking about work makes my chest tighten. I keep questioning myself, am I weak? Why does it feel so overwhelming? I know I’m trying, but it feels like nothing changes.

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether I should stay or move on. I’ve listed the pros and cons, and honestly, there are good points on both sides. But emotionally, I feel tired, like I’m running on fumes.

I’m not looking for sympathy. I just needed to let this out. Maybe writing it down helps me understand myself a little better. Maybe it’s a reminder that my feelings are valid, even if the situation is messy.

For now, I’m still figuring things out. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I’m trying to listen to my heart, my body, and what I truly need.

P/s: I'm resigning soon. 

Letting Go, Bit by Bit

Good Morning,

Tuesday but feels like Friday. Exhausted from travelling is killing me.

I was wondering why I tend to overthink about parking, but then I realised, From the beginning of my career, my first job, parking was never covered by the majikan. I remember back when I was working at Phileo Damansara, gaji ciput je but I paid almost RM250 monthly just for parking. I remember my parents had to use their own money to cover my first month of work. It was tough, but I was fine with it sebab alasannya I didn’t have working experience, so I just picked up the experience. Plus, I already knew that I had to pay for parking, so I was well aware the benefit wasn’t given.

My second official job also required us to pay for parking, though it didn’t come out of my own pocket since the company covered it for me. But there was free parking at UTM, so that felt lowkey secured from my perspective, when my parking allowance was retracted at least I don't have worry too much about it.

My third job in Cyberjaya, the parking was free — so I shifted my mindset that parking is a basic amenity that employers should cover. I survived there for 4 years, and as for the reason I left… let’s leave that in the graveyard.

Now I’m in my fourth job, moving toward my fifth (in shaa Allah, Aamiin). In the beginning, I never realised I needed to pay for parking since it was all provided. I actually got a lot of benefits in my first year — house, parking, even travelling allowance. But now that we’ve moved to USJ, all the basic amenities and benefits are gone. So I do feel wronged and underappreciated. That’s why I make a lot of noise about those missing benefits.

Am I mengada, or do I have valid reasons? Maybe with over 10 years of working experience, I’ve become more demanding. Hopefully the next company will provide the basic amenities.

So as I reflect today… it’s fine. Bayar je lah parking tu daripada susah-susah fikir and stress about it. I’m starting to accept the fact now. Pray for my mental health.

Sometimes the smallest things feel the heaviest, but I’m learning that not everything deserves space in my mind. I’ve survived harder seasons, and I’ll survive this one too. I’m not demanding—I'm finally learning what I deserve, and growth will always raise my standards. It’s okay to outgrow what once felt enough, because my peace matters more than any job or benefit taken away. So I breathe, release what I can’t control, and remind myself that choosing peace is still a form of strength. Whatever I lose, I gain clarity, and whatever I gain, I honour with gratitude.

Lah, datang pula orang tua ni. Pening. (boss kecik)

ANXIOUS OF WAITING

 i actually want to change job, and looking for new job is tiring. doakan sy dpt kerja lain. itu shj. semoga Allah mengangkat doa2 anda smua. aamiin. 

A Letter on Her Grief

When she told me years ago that she not planning to have children, I believed her. She spoke with certainty, with a kind of strength that said she knew what she wanted from life. And I admired that. But life has a way of humbling us by showing us the corners of our hearts we never thought existed.

When she lost her pregnancy, I saw a side of her I never imagined, fragile, quiet, and deeply human. It wasn’t just the loss of a child she never planned for. It was the loss of a piece of herself she didn’t know she could love.

Her grief taught me something profound: that beneath our choices and words, every woman carries a quiet thread of tenderness of longingness to nurture, to belong, to create life, in whatever form it comes.

I feel so deeply sorry for her loss. No words can ever truly ease the emptiness she feels, but I wish she knows she’s not alone and that her pain is seen, and her tears are understood. I pray that one day, she will hold her rainbow baby in her arms, a sign of Allah’s mercy after the storm.

I wish her nothing but goodness hope that her heart finds peace, that her faith grows stronger, and that joy returns to her life in ways she never expects. Because I believe Allah tests those He loves, and within every trial, there is hidden love, wisdom, and mercy.

Her grief humbled me. It reminded me that no matter how different we think we are, somewhere deep down, we all wish for love, for family, and for a place to belong, in our own beautiful way.

358 Days of LDR: 4 days until You

My current fav song "Wi$h Li$t" 

"I just want you, huh, Have a couple kids, got the whole block looking like you, We tell the world to leave us thе fuck alone, and they do, wow. Got me drеaming 'bout a driveway with a basketball hoop, Boss up, settle down, got a wish (Wish) list (List). I just want you"

It's been a month since last time I saw my husband in person, So I just can't wait for the days to happen again. I miss him everyday, though when we met we kind a annoyed with one another, and weirdly he still my favorite person. 

Itu je ah. 

Bye. 

353 Day of LDR: Twelve Days Left

 Twelve days left.

Twelve sunsets before I get to go home, and somehow it lands on the same day I first walked into this workplace a year ago. October 21st. One year of learning, surviving, pretending to be okay, and quietly growing in ways I didn’t even notice.

Funny how Allah arranges things. To return home exactly on the day I began, it feels like a sign, a soft reminder that I’ve come full circle.

This place has taught me strength in quiet ways. It taught me patience, silence, and how to stand when no one is there to hold you. Some days felt too long, too lonely. Some days I wanted to give up. But I didn’t. I stayed, and I made it through.

And now the thought of home feels heavier, like peace waiting for me at the door. The laughter, the comfort, the smell of familiar air. I miss it all.

Twelve more days. Just twelve.

And I’ll finally be home again, not just to a place, but to myself.

345 Days of LDR: 30 Days until US again

Today, I want to write about the end of this long-distance chapter. Just 30 more days until I’ll finally be in his arms again. The thought alone fills my heart with so much gratitude and happiness. After a year of waiting, counting days, and holding on to late-night calls, the finish line is finally in sight.

I picture the reunion so clearly in my mind: he’ll pick me up here in JB, and then we’ll leave JB together with no looking back. From there, we can start building our home again — renovate the little things, restock the refrigerator, and enjoy home-cooked meals every day. That simple dream of living together again feels like the sweetest gift after all this distance.

Of course, worries come along too. The new workplace means a two-hour commute each day. That alone sounds tiring, and the idea of crowded places and constant interactions stirs up my anxiety. Honestly, I’m not preparing much for it — just praying for the best, and hoping I’ll find the rhythm when the time comes.

And while I look forward to these personal joys, my heart is also heavy for others. Today I cried and prayed for the Sumud Flotilla, hoping they arrive safely in Gaza and return home unharmed. Sometimes I feel guilty living in peace and comfort while, in another part of the world, people of the same faith are struggling just to meet their basic needs. It humbles me and reminds me to be grateful, to pray harder, and to never take this life for granted.

Still, life has always been a mix of joy and challenge. This move isn’t just about work; it’s about love, growth, and finally being close to the person who matters most. The thought of walking through all the difficult parts and then coming home to him — maybe that’s all the strength I need.

For now, I’ll hold onto the countdown. Thirty days away. Thirty days until distance becomes closeness again.

Ya Allah… please make these days easy for me. Grant me patience, calm my restless heart, and bless our reunion with love and peace. Protect my husband, our home, and this new journey we are about to start together. And please, Ya Allah, protect our brothers and sisters in Gaza. Let the Sumud Flotilla reach safely, return safely, and may You grant freedom, dignity, and comfort to those who are suffering. Ameen.